P: As we wind down, we wanted to put our thoughts down about whatever we are thinking on this side of things.  Now that I’m in my flow again, I’m asked quite frequently how this has changed me and us.  A said “It hasn’t really changed us.  We were really lucky to be a good family before and to stay a good family after.”   B says “It can’t not have changed us.  Something to do with a tension or balance between being stronger and at the same time, being aware of the frailty of our lives.” E said “I can’t say no because it’s kind of one of those experiences that you don’t just shrug off.”  I don’t know what to say.  I appreciate the question and do my  best to give the answer time when I’m talking with those interested.  I could probably spend a weekend answering the question.  I think all of the responses above combine how I feel about it all.  I and we were very fortunate to have a foundation of whatever A means when she says “good”ness in our tiny family and our love extensions.  I mean, WOW when I say that the love penetrated the walls of our house and our hearts.  If I feel changed it is so largely because of what we witnessed and received as we were going through it all.  (Please see my last entry which I will eventually post entitled ACTS of KINDNESS.)

When I see my scars, the tiny tatoo markings used to direct the radiation (which I’m seriously considering changing into something more meaningful…),  the rectangle of different colored skin which I put lotion and aloe on every day, my nails which may never fully recover, when I examine my chest wall on the left side and my healthy right breast, when I find myself playing with my curls during a really good day dream; sometimes I indulge in an “oh yea” moment and sometimes I just look at something shiny and move on.

B: P has asked me to de-brief as we wind down this blog. First, I cannot express the depth of my appreciation for the folks who cooked for us, for the folks who gave our kids rides, indeed for all the varieties of generosity that was heaped and poured on us.

For, partners of someone fighting a cancer fight I have some observations about how I should have handled certain things differently. The intensity and focus to keep our lives as “normal” as possible was huge. Indeed, I achieved too much velocity… perhaps, a better metaphor is trying to land a plane on an aircraft carrier. Maybe, it is more accurate that I came in for landing attempts with far too much speed. I’d say that I’ve now crash landed after numerous attempts at more elegant but too fast landings. Partners be aware that a part of you withdraws from the person fighting the disease, particularly as the bad news or complications pile up. After treatment ends it is hard to extend those parts back into the relationship. Nine months was about the point where I did start ripping heads off and shitting down necks. I found myself in customer service situations where poor service was rendered and just about wanting to destroy the organization. For me nine months was my wits end. Find those things that replenish you and do them, but, be very careful in identifying them, be certain they replenish.

We are apparently out of the woods so far as P’s health is concerned the Drs. all give us positive results and optimistic prognosis. And I think I’m going to bank that. It is time for P and I to sort out what a new normal is and I’m glad that we get to do that.

P:  Thank you ALL for keeping the faith and checking this blog, as the entries were posted farther and farther apart.  It really touches me that you kept checking.  Thank you for all your support, encouragement and love.  If you can hang in for another few weeks, you won’t be disappointed.