I think that has to be one of the longest words that I actually use. (I mean, who REALLY uses antidisestablishmentarianism?) I have used “compartmentalization” in the course of my work in the mental health/substance abuse field. I have observed and tried to help others who did not have skills to compartmentalize. I have worked with people who compartmentalize to an extreme and have become quite emotionally and mentally fragmented.  I have left work many a day, grateful for the fact that some how, some where, I learned to do this. Perhaps my psychological development wasn’t interfered with too much, and just by the natural flow of things, some of us learn to separate ourselves from things in a helpful and healthy way.
I am bringing this up because at this point I’m going on with my life. Even when I put aloe on my radiated skin, and massage my scar to avoid scar tissue, it’s like it’s just part of my day now. It does not act as a trigger for bad memories or fear.  Even when I have to choose every day whether or not to wear my prosthesis, it’s just part of my routine. I have been at a softball tournament most of this weekend, with lots of people. I am one among many cheering our girls on, making sure they have enough to drink, refilling the coolers with ice. I WAS more vigilant about keeping sunscreen on my shoulders, arms and neck, and happily left the fields at almost DARK without a rash or any irritation.
I suspect that living with the identity of a breast cancer survivor, for some, could be the constant reminder that I want to avoid or ignore.  There are things that have come to light for me. Oh, you know, the stuff that we all take for granted. I hate to sound so cliche, but this is something that HAS come to the forefront for me. There are just some things that are not worth the frustration any longer and there are things that I just do not want to let slip by.  Life IS too short to hold on to things that can get in the way.
I think I’m eager to get this tucked away for many reasons, not the least of which is my children. They have done such an incredible job with this in their lives. In my mother-teenager relationships, I am learning a great deal.  A has taught me that she is very capable of taking care of herself and that she will ask me for help if and when she needs it. Hovering and commenting does NOT help the relationship at all. When she wants to be near me, she comes over. When she wants a hug she asks for it.  I am welcome into many conversations with she and her friends, but I am careful about that timing.  I have people I call friends to help me with my emotional needs. This is not my child’s job.  I know this is not how all people think, but it seems to be working really well for me and my relationships with my kids.   After E returned from 2 weeks away, of course I wanted to comment on how much deeper his voice was, I wanted to look him over, ask a million questions. These were MY wants, not his. He has clearly told me that interrogation is a sure fire way to shut him down. I have to learn to listen better to what they are telling me. In our teenagers’ individuation, I am learning to let them go. They both still come for a snuggle or a conversation, and these are the times they are telling me they are open to a certain degree of me being a mom. And being a mom is such a privilege for me. The word friendship just doesn’t capture that relationship in my life. As I move forward, I’m really trying to observe their process more and get out of the way when I can.
I don’t claim to have any corner on the market just because I’ve dealt with cancer.  My hide has been tanned, so to speak, and I wear a new skin. I do not want to wear the ‘survivorship’ badge as a reason to be treated differently. I have not been traumatized. As I tuck this year’s experience into its capsule, I want to be careful to try not to let each follow up screen or test prick a hole in the capsule.  Each forward event is an experience on it’s own, and any baggage dragging behind me will only weigh me down.
I feel like I’m all over the map with this entry. Any thoughts are really appreciated.
I don’t see you as all over the map, but offering a range of reasons to treat your cancer experience as an event, now over, and increasingly distant as you get on with your life. All the reasons are valid, healthy and good motivators to help you to successfully compartmentalize this piece of your life. It’s part of the fabric, but not a dominant feature of the overall garment.
R, I just can’t tell you how much I appreciate your thoughts. This has been a great experience with your frequent comments and love. I am so fortunate to have a brother like you. (You’ve had many offers of marriage from people I know who just want to know who you are! They are very jealous of D.)
I like the garment metaphor. Being able to look ahead toward something is really helpful isn’t it? Even just the wonderful garden that this season has brought us. Getting on with life, living off the earth, letting this year blend into all the other years that have added to my experience on this planet.
P,
This entry reminds me so much of a live-version of your “sun dial” art. You finished that piece of art maybe you’re about to finish with that piece of Cancer entry in your blog. Life’s entries in your blog will take you all over the map and I’d love to read and navagate with you through your blog.
Your roots are planted so firmly in the ground, P, and your vines (a.k.a. blog entries) have reached out and clung to so many in so many directions (not all over the map).
You are so grounded and this entry proves it although I already knew this about you way back in the 80s on The Block. You covered everything with your thoughts and what’s best is you have a hold on all those thoughts as well. B, A, E are so lucky. I’m so lucky to learn from you, all of us! I think you’re having a harder time letting go, i.e. changing direction of this blog than you are of moving on past C, and that’s a good thing.
Love you dearest sweetest cousin,
C
all over the map? I don’t think so…right on target is what I say 🙂 You are a marvelous mama, P, and an awesome lady…enjoyed our time together this week. thanks for sharing…a.
This is helpful to hear, thanks so much A. I can’t tell you how wonderful our vacation was, THANKS to wonderful you and your wonderful fam. Your support means soooo much.
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