I was walking by myself the other morning listening to music. The song below came on and resonated, hence today’s thoughts. (Not the best video, but I like what he says at the beginning and how intimate the venue was for the performance.)
I just went to the mail box and there was one letter in it. It was from my PCP, the form letter that starts with “I’m pleased to inform you…” Pap was negative. And so we are off to a good start on the observation of endometrial tissue.   I was trying to come up with a good analogy here, and reconnaissance came to mind (thanks to B‘s infinite supply of words). Reconnaissance is a mission to obtain information by visual observation or other detection methods, about the activities and resources of an enemy or potential enemy. The song is called War of My Life.
I would imagine it is interesting hearing a G.O. say that she feels like she is in the war of her life. I’ve been asked by several people over the past few weeks what’s changed for me because of all of this (diagnosis of and treatment for breast cancer). I’ve noticed that I spend a lot of time just blank, probably looking like I’m formulating some profound answer. Nothing very profound comes out in my opinion. I am still going through life fairly happy. Whenever I do something that is not in the ‘how to prevent cancer’ literature, I pause and sometimes feel like a weak mortal who can’t even save her own life. Whenever I do something that IS in the ‘how to preven cancer’ literature, I wonder if I can get extra credit if I do a little more. You know, if you eat a big mac with a diet soda, can’ t the diet soda cancel out the fat in the big mac? If you say no to ice cream cake at the office, can’t your body “roll back” that many calories for the day??
I do feel like there’s been an intrusion. The cellular integrity within my system has been breached.  A  foreign army has come to the rescue to kill the damn soldiers that brought dis-ease to the bod. Now I’m trying to evict the foreign army because IT doesn’t belong in here either.
What is left? What residue from the chemistry? What will my body do with the radiation? What will the radiation do to my body? Are there any enemy cells hiding out somewhere? Am I the same person I was?
Well the only question I can answer from that bunch is the last one, with a resounding YES AND NO. Many have said that cancer has a way of coralling the spirit that was already present. I’m still me. I know the glass is half full. I don’t give up easy. I suspect having crossed the cancer barrier I am different. The cancer didn’t hurt and through the point of diagnosis I was not feeling sick from it. The treatment we chose for this was harsh and made me sick. That was a battle I and we chose to fight.
Before this I was doing things fairly intentionally, but did get carried away when a shiny object sparkled in the distance. Now I am doing things fairly intentionally and really enjoying the sparkly diversions. Someone I have not spoken to in a long time called today and APOLOGIZED for not knowing what I was going through. She and I made a date for lunch and she asked if my full time job could allow such a thing. My response was that it will allow for such a thing because I’m not going to miss out on shiny opportunities.   I remain grateful for the job I have which can afford such an arrogant posture. Really.
I do feel like my body is now on hyperalert for UFOs.     I’ve got the Angel Brigade and there is a new addition to the parade of ghosts that marches in my wake. For me the ghosts have to do with the compromises I and we’ve made in order to evict the cancer. The ghosts know how sick I got from AC. They know what people who love me had to witness. They remember what it was like to get a breast amputated and to hear that nodes were positive.   The ghosts know how hard it was to confront hair loss and live without it for over 6 months.
I’ve said it before. It is what it is. I’ve got no choice but to fight and I’m not going to roll over and play dead. The Angel Brigade (that includes any readers of this blog) was and is my army. I am permanently enlisted in your army as well if you’ll have me. We all have something to fight for. Here is a quote from a magnet that my kat loving friend D sent me during the battle:
I do not think we know our own strength
until we have seen how strong love makes us.
Come out angels, come out ghosts
Come out darkness, bring everyone you know
I’m not running and I’m not scared
I am waiting and well-prepared
I’m in the war of my life, at the door of my life
Out of time and there’s nowhere to run
I’ve got a hammer and a heart of glass
I gotta know right now which walls to smash
I got a pocket, got no pills
If fear hasn’t killed me yet, then nothing will
All the suffering and all the pain
Never left a name
I’m in the war of my life, at the door of my life
Out of time and there’s nowhere to run
I’m in the war of my life, at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight ’til it’s done
No more suffering, no more pain
Never again
I’m in the war of my life, at the door of my life
Out of time and there’s no where to run
So fight on, fight on everyone
So fight on, got no choice but to fight ’til it’s done
So fight on, fight on everyone
Got no choice, got no choice but to fight ’til it’s done
Fight on everyone
So  fight on
I sense emotion in this entry that departs from the objective reporting of most earlier reports. How has your battle affected your attitude toward others who knowingly live in unhealthy ways? Is it possible to be detached?
That is a great quote, don’t you think?! Perfect timing for me to be reminded of its clarity…thank you!
hmm…the war indeed! and war always changes us at a cellular level, at a spiritual level, at a being-in-the-world level…I wish you quiet vigilance at this stage of the journey because now IS the next new place…when perhaps you might find some ‘down time’ to collect up all those altered bits of your being and discover what has been wrought through this war. Blessings and courage, my friend!
I’ve never been a big brother, but I would imagine seeing one’s little sister dealing with grown up stuff must be hard some times. Don’t know if it is for you R. You’ve been very observant of my stance and my tendency to ‘report’ or stay somewhat removed. Your question is a good one. One of the things I don’t like about myself is how judgmental I can be. I work really hard for it not to show. How can I judge someone else’s choices as healthy or not? Of course I have opinions like all of us do. I’m trying more and more to observe my judgments and figure out why I think/feel that way. I try to figure out if there is any value in bringing my thoughts out into the open. I don’t know that my attitude toward others’ unhealthy choices has changed. Not sure what you mean about ‘is it possible to be detached’, can you elaborate? I love you brother. You are so thoughtful and give me lots to think about.
D, thanks so much for your gentle and strong support. I like what you said about the altered bits being wrought through this war. Thank you for that.
Yes it has been hard to watch you deal with this stuff. And I have probably taken comfort at your cool demeanor through the whole thing. At the same time, I know that there is an emotional warrior inside you and that you are fighting a battle, even if only the coolitude shows. You have alluded to how the experience has refreshed your appreciation for life and desire to get the most from it. Surely it would be inhuman to expect to be able to look at someone disrespecting their health and life and not have some kind of reaction. I guess Saint P might feel sadness. Real P might want to shake the dumb sonafabitch and tell him/her to wake up. Honestly, don’t you? You are allowed.
P, sorry, in re-reading that last comment, I think I am just dragging you backward to my lower evolutionary level. I can see how you can view your battle as personal and see other people’s as their personal battles to be fought in their own way on their own timeline. Is that it?
Yes, I think that’s right. I do look at some and think ‘I’ve not had a bagel in many years. I’d love to have one, and might once in a blue moon. Every morning? Do you realize how useless that is?’ Maybe I just wish I didn’t care. I certainly do wish our bodies didn’t need so much careful maintenance.