So here I am walking around in my life, doing what I consider to be absolutely normal things.  (Success in the prom dress catagory, by the way.) Minding my own business…oh and that of my children, and maybe B too.  Since I’m at work most of the day many days of the week, I am around people who have known me for a really long time.  Virtually everywhere I go, I am greeted by people who are just smiling from ear to ear at me.  I have NEVER had so many complements on my hair.  Now, truly, ANY hair is better than NO hair for me, so I can understand all the fuss.  My head is finaly not cold (most of the time) and hair this long (or short depending on your perspective) is unbelievably easy to care for.  I started putting conditioner on it this week and the curls may be small, but they are more defined.  It’s actually a really fun length.  I just love reaching up and messing around with it now.  All I’ve felt for months and months is stubble, so this feels quite luxurious.

I went to the Survivorship clinic at the cancer center this week.  I was expecting just to talk with someone about volunteer opportunities, and ended up having an appointment with a nurse who said the clinic was a new thing.  They are trying to help survivors manage all the follow up appointments, diet, exercise and stuff.  It was ok to talk to someone about this, but I really feel (and so did she) like I have all of that in order right now.  I did come out of it with a bone scan appointment.  They just want to be sure no osteopenia or osteoperosis exists as I head further and further into a chemical induced menopause.   She did ask if I wanted a blood test to see what my hormone levels are.  Something about seeing if I’m in a true menopause.  I asked what we would do with this information and she said it was just for knowledge.  I declined.  It sort of reminded me of our decision not to do any prenatal testing or sonograms.  If the results were not going to affect my actions, why do an unnecessary test? (even if it is just a blood test) I’ve set up a pap next month to get a baseline before the Tamoxifen is too established in my system.  They want to monitor my endometiral tissue right from the start.  I have a mammo in late June and a follow up with my surgeon (who will be following my mammos from now on) in July.  Follow up oncology and radiation oncology appointments too, in June.  I guess there is something to say about not going in every day, but again, GEEZ.  So many appointments.  I said earlier in this blog that I wanted to be sure to keep up with monitoring.  So here I go.

During one of my last visits to the center, a young woman in silent tears was pushing a wheel chair.  The elder woman in the chair had a blue hat on and she was crying too.  She looked exhausted.  Someone once told me that it would be important to not focus too much on what/who I saw at the center.  We have overheard conversations of people with a terminal diagnosis saying they are just going to live fully.  We have seen people whose skin was gray, who looked like they had nothing else to give.  We have seen people who are too young, and elders who have lived long lives.  The woman in the wheelchair and her caring young woman escort were sharing something together that is sacred in my opinion.  Whatever it was, it just touched my heart.

This may sound ridiculous, but when I think about cancer, I don’t associate it with myself.  With all that this body has been through, I’m amazed that I feel this way.  The battleground that is my body doesn’t feel like it’s war torn. I mean there is obvious deformity, but I guess the way I think about it is that the cancer is missing now.  The effects of radiation are fading slowly, still some tenderness, but definitely cooling off.  I am shocked at my energy level.  Now mind you, I’m sleepy usually around 8:30 or 9, but that’s not too much different from my norm.  This week especially, I’ve been on a nutritional detox, and I am really surprised at how energized I feel.  I know detoxing is supposed to make me feel good.  But I’m still intrigued.  My body is recovering.  I’m getting more exercise.   I feel pretty healthy for someone who apparently had cancer.  This whole paragraph is so G.O., isn’t it?

So here are the pictures of my scar, for anyone who wants to see.  In the 3rd and 4th pics you can clearly see the effects of the breast booster radiation along the scar.  I feel somewhat like an exhibitionist, but here they are.

Radiation day #1:

Radiation day #33:

9 days post radiation:

12 days post radiation:

I’m no longer putting my hand tenderly under my arm to ease the burning pain.  I’m using less silvadene.  I’m grateful that the soreness is fading.  I’m on the last day of my detox, and really, I feel quite good.  Thanks for keeping up with me.