It’s like the problems with the port-a-cath are a thing of the past.   By living so in the moment, I have had the good fortune to celebrate with the nurse when there is good blood return.  I either have to get a life, or I’m doing something good for me.  Celebrating anything is good for me.

You know the whole thing about not wanting to jinx something by saying something?  Well tra la la to that.  I just have to say it’s wonderful when there are no hitches.  My energy has been plentiful all day.  My spirit content and very much in the moment.  Symptoms are relatively manageable.

Yesterday D and I got our arses in gear and took our hour long walk on the road.  It felt great in so many ways.  Moving is good medicine for me.  Today I was a good girl and went to chemo, went to work until about 2 (had some wonderful and funny women doing walking lunges in the hall after supervision), went home, worked more, and went out at o’dark:30 in the PM with D.  It was unusual walking into the dark rather than into the light, but man we both felt great.  That I have energy to do this is something for which I’m truly grateful.  And D, I am grateful for you. Thank you for loving me and meeting me at all hours of the day,  in the freezing cold and in the sweaty heat of July for the past 10 years.

Today’s image, as the last few, just poured out of my pencil box.  It is oozing into the next panel, and I just went with the energy.  Now that I can fathom the last infusion, I feel much more fluid.  The beginning of this round was much like starting a labyrinth.  Knowing how AC affected me, and hearing so many different reactions to Taxol, I wasn’t exactly going in blind, but I certainly found that I was kind of peeking around corners to see if the symptom fairy was ready with her stinger.  The first image, if you recall, is very static, and illustrates this feeling well for me.  I was open, but certainly not fluid, in hindsight.

I’m totally drawing about rebirth.  B says that we are finding a new normal.  My plans for drawings rarely materialize.  I chose to let my energy, my hands and the colors tell the story, not my head.  The still quiet of the previous panel was certainly not the energy today.  I’m moving, I’m doing, I’m resting, I’m holding on.  It’s a little on the edge of risk which I love.  The bedroom project is on the front burner again.  I’m feeling competent at work.  I have no room for negativity and self doubt at this moment.  It feels good and right.  It felt great to go to sleep last night, it feels great to be awake right now.  I’m getting lost in music, finding myself just dancing in the kitchen or singing like a rock star in my car.

I was talking during our walk today about the whole reconstruction, prostheses or nothing issue.  I continue to feel that for me not doing reconstruction has been absolutely the right move.  I’m still doing scar massage, so intrigued by the sensations that DO exist and those that don’t.  I’ve given myself time with this new body with no intrusion and that’s been right for me.  Everyone has to find their right.  Rushing into a decision I was not at all ready for, and not convinced that I even wanted, would not have been true to me.

If reconstruction gives me a perky breast, it’s 47 year old partner will not be able to keep up if you know what I mean.  Even if I become a work out fiend when this is all over, breast tissue just is not muscle, and without external cables or a good underwire, I cannot imagine symetry will be sustained as the years go on.  The potential hassle and risk of reconstruction for one side which will never have sensitivity just doesn’t fit for me.  I’m thinking more about talking with the “fitta” and just doing some dry runs .  This for me is mostly about clothes fitting.  Summer clothes, I mean.  I could go with the non fitted sort of summer stuff, but I don’t want to overlook the possibility of symetry as well.  If I find stuff that can work with an asymetrical shape, I may just go that direction.  It’s my body and I don’t really have a need to hide anything.  Sure, it would be nice to get attention for looking good in my clothes, but I get the attention I need most of the time from the people who matter to me most.  The way I look has never been the most important thing to me.    My good friends and family know I’d rather wear warn holey jeans and a t shirt that’s been through the wash a few hundred times.

This is the reality of breast cancer.  I don’t need to be a poster child, that’s not my mission here.   I want to be comfortable with myself.  That IS my mission.  I will talk with some women who have gone with the body as it is and will let you know what I find out.  I love hearing how others have coped as we look at our new normal.  Cancer and treatment are no fun at all.  What remains is what is.  I’m making lemonaid.