During today’s infusion there was someone who was a few chairs away, behind me. This person was apparently really struggling. I was only peripherially aware of this as I had my ipod on and was tuned into my niece V’s gift of songs which are really fun to sing to.
We have mentioned several times that at chemo, we have observed quite a range of human coping and suffering. Some people go to treatment in their sweats and slippers. Some bring stuff to do. Some lay back and rest or sleep pretty much the whole time. Each chair has its own television, so some are tuned in to that.  Most dialogue is private but there is usually a hum in the air. I pretty much say hi and smile to anyone whose eyes meet mine, but basically I tune into my stuff. I dress partially for work with a matching shirt from B’s closet and always have my cowboy boots on. (I wear B’s shirts both because they are comforting and it’s much easier to access the port-a-cath with a button down shirt on, which I don’t have many of.) You’d find me content I’d say, usually singing silently as I work on my lap top or drawing. Occasionally I read.
Today when this other patient’s lament came into my awareness I kept my music on as I wanted both to afford this patient some privacy and honestly, I didn’t want to be dragged down. When the nurse checked in with me she asked if I was ok with what was going on, and all I said was that I was sympathetic to the patient’s suffering, but didn’t know if I could do anything for them. This is really important for me to write about here. Unlike the other chemo cocktail I was on, with this one my defenses are mostly still in tact. Keeping my stride during this marathon includes looking over my armour for any areas of vulnerability. Finding the balance of compassion for others and self care is always important to my well being. In having compassion I am able to do what I can to send energy out. This is what I CAN do.
This patient was going through a transformation just like I am. I think if a person observed me they would see someone who really looks like she is content…maybe enjoying herself.  Music transforms me. Art transforms me. Being able to reestablish myself at work is part of what makes me feel productive and useful. Love transforms me and we know there is so much of that free flowing into our life. Pain transforms me as well.
Right now I feel like I’m in a time warp, an incubator of sorts. Today’s drawing is about that. Physically I’m feeling good.  No nap this afternoon. I left the infusion at 11, went to work for 2 hours, came home, finished the funding application (YEA!!) and have been working and taking breaks since. It’s a really rainy afternoon, and aside from grief over skiing conditions, I’m doing well and plan to retire early after a nice long shower after dinner.
I get the thought about balancing concern for others with your own interests. Last friday I was walking through the office when I ran into a woman who works in the plant, standing in the middle of the floor, totally dazed. I asked if I could help with something and she said had just learned that her husband, after getting a clean bill of health in december, had been told he has only a few weeks to live. And her father had been taken to the local hospital with something serious. And she has no other family etc. I walked her into a vacant office and listened for a while trying to express sympathy, but feeling pretty ineffective. Thankfully, our HR mgr walked in and got her going on the paperwork she had come in to fill out. As I wandered off in something of a daze myself, I questioned my own balance. Hopefully, its the honest questioning that matters most.
I know what you mean R. You were awake to that woman’s moment and you reached out. In some ways it doesn’t matter what you said to her. She will remember that you noticed and took the time. I count my blessings that I’m your sister.
Love
P