Those of you in the substance abuse field or in recovery may know Father Martin.  He was a funny man who educated many about alcoholism.   He told a joke in one of his lectures that went something like this:  A man came upon a room that was filled with manure.  A boy was shoveling and shoveling, and the man asked what he was doing.  They boy said “with all this manure, there’s got to be a pony in here someplace!”  Is that G.O. or what?

We heard from the surgeon today.  Cancer was found in the breast tissue, one spot was 1.5 cm and the other smaller one was .7 cm.  These were much smaller than the original scans/MRI showed, and seem to confirm that the chemo certainly did have an effect.  This was also confirmation for us that mastectomy was the right choice and that feels good to me.  There were also cells found in the nodes, unfortunately.  Apparently the two she took were not the only ones, there were two in the breast tissue as well.  All of them had activity that was more than just residue from chemo.  She said she spoke with the pathologist and with our oncologist at length about this.  The pathologist apparently spent a great deal of time going over all the information available.  Surgeon and oncologist concur that removal of the remaining nodes in my armpit is the best course of action to prevent spread. 

This certainly was not the information any of us wanted to hear.  I said “shit” into the phone, and the surgeon told me I didn’t have to whisper.  I asked if a second opinion could be gotten and she said  the  lab that the hospital contracts with could certainly send the tissue on.  She asked about the drain and how the incision looked and suggested that we go up Thursday for a visit to talk more about this news and to look over the incision and drain.  It occurred to me that this would be just another trip to Bangor, and I asked if there was a reason for not moving forward with surgery.  I didn’t know what else there was to talk about.  She felt that if there was room on Friday in her schedule, that it would be a fine idea if we were up to it.  She could possibly take out the breast drain and put in the arm drain after removal of those nodes.  She was going to check on her schedule and call me back.

I know at the beginning of all this I was not using the word fight and preferred to cradle myself and my body.  Some of that, I think, was preservation of energy.  I am learning that cancer treatment takes endurance like nothing I’ve ever had to muster before.  As I see how far this cancer has gotten into my system and how close it seems to have gotten to spread into other parts of my body, my fight energy is materializing.  I’m not trotting down this trail.  I’m galloping when I have the energy, and right now I am aware of a very strong desire to hear that we have found the boundaries of this cancer.  Am I being too hasty in planning have those remaining nodes removed so soon?

In the mean time  I phoned two lifeline nurses.  Both of them responded with information and support.  They said it if there was some question or borderline information or if it came back negative that getting a second opinion at this juncture to inform the next step would be a good idea.  The information given tonight was not borderline at all.  One suggested that we may want to wait to get all this tissue including the remaining nodes in for a second opinion to determine what the next steps should be from an oncology perspective.  I plan to talk with the oncologist tomorrow if possible to hear her side of things and what this will bring to the table with regard to her  treatment recommendations.  I will ask her about the risks of not getting the nodes removed as well.   I am thinking that I’d rather just get it over with if we are  given information to support that decision.  I’m not great at making decisions.  The bedroom is still white because I cannot decide on the color.  B has always said that we won’t notice it after a while and he’s ok with whatever.  This has proven true with say, light fixtures.  I am relying on his collaboration to a great extent with decisions about my health.  I am so grateful to have his help.

There is so much to think about and we certainly don’t want to be hasty.  We can always cancel the surgery.  It could be as soon as Friday at 1:30.  It may be outpatient surgery since we have experience with drains now.  It all depends upon the time she is done and what we feel is best at the time. Recovery will be different since it will be focused in my armpit, and will likely  be more uncomfortable than what I’m experiencing right now.  Talk about an area of the body that I”ve taken for granted…hmmm.   There are possible long term effects and definite things I will need to know about the affected arm as a result of this surgery.

I certainly will be asking the cancer center to access the port on Thursday  or Friday morning so that we don’t have a repeat performance getting the I.V. going as we did last Tuesday.  I didn’t realize they could access it the day before, so I’m definitely going to look into that tomorrow.

Being a G.O., I’m on a march.  I want to know what I think I need to know and I want to move forward.   It’s so natural to take our eyes off the ball at a time like this.  I voiced feeling disappointed by the news to the surgeon and with my family.  We spoke about it at dinner.  Funny, our children have their eyes on the ball.  They reassured us of that.  They acknowledged awareness that I will be out of commission longer, more time with a drain, more recovery, more family out of balance sort of stuff.  But they both were very clear about where their focus was.  We are finding a balancing point each time we have a challenge.

I hate how preoccupied B has become with this.  He was very affected by the news today, probably more than he anticipated.  I don’t know that it is as much putting too many eggs in one basket, as it is the roller coaster ride that is cancer treatment.   He and I will make the ultimate decision together, of course.   This is a long haul loaded with crossroads.  This horse I’m on is one I’ll be on for the rest of my life.  But I cannot wait to get to the end of this particular trail.   I’m going to keep looking for that pony.  Darn it anyway.