My hair is sort of coming in and falling out and light on the top and dark on the sides and really fuzzy and funky. I get tired of wearing stuff on my head, but really need it there for warmth. My thermostat is just in malfunction mode at this point, and most of the time I’m really cold. My eyebrows never really fell out completely and seem to be thinning again. I am really interested in how mindful I am of the hair stuff. Oh, I get by. I have hats I love to wear and some scarves that actually stay in place. I still have absolutely no interest in wearing a wig. I get tired of having stuff on my head, but cannot do without it for long, purely for the heat retention function. My friend and sister-in-the-know said that losing her eyebrows and eyelashes was the worst of the worst for her. While I’m not completely bald in those places, I’m definitely not bushy. It looks like some features are fading away when I look in the mirror, and that’s just weird.
I went to a party last night where a bunch of people dressed up all groovy and 60’s like for a friend and colleague’s retirement celebration. I went straight from work, having grabbed our Marti Gras peace sign beads from the cabinet in the morning. So I sort of looked like I was groovy. (I mean I’m always groovy, but you know…) My doo rag was among several others, and I was loving that. I hadn’t seen these folks in many months, several of whom have been in the stampede with us. It was wonderful to be with the celebrant as well as others and to feel so good at 6pm on a Friday. I was fortunate to receive warm welcoming hugs from many people. Someone I had not seen in a very long time, (like 2 years) who also apparently has not learned of our ordeal, was sitting across the table from me when we sat to have dinner. When we made eye contact she said something in passing about my appearance, not thinking twice that anything was up, and immediately went on to talk about our mutual work interests. She had no clue. But I did think about what affect such a comment would have on someone feeling more vulnerable than I. She meant no harm, that I have no doubt about. She was happy to see me and we had a great conversation about what we were up to on the work front. I actually sort of made a quick evaluation about whether to “go there” with her, and decided not to. We were having too much fun.
What she said exactly is not important. She did make me think. When I left the party, I wondered about what, if anything, I might say to a colleague if I saw her having what might look like obvious chemo effects or perhaps something less obvious. “I notice that you have no eyebrows, did you have another bout with the wood stove?”
I do love it when someone notices my sideburns and wants to see the latest mutation of hair. It’s like they are the hair folicle cheerleaders. Come on, you can do it! I enjoy the indulgence when people fuss over stuff like that.
I think what people see in me is someone who is not necessarily set back by an obstacle. They see something beyond my appearance. They see the G.D. optimist each time I show up somewhere. They see someone living in the moment. There is no dwelling in this reality for us. That’s why when I chase shiny things I don’t look back. You should see me during firefly season! It makes B crazy sometimes. Like this morning when I started making breakfast and something shiny caught my eye…
I wonder sometimes about how your GDO outlook can be the real bottom line for you. You are so observant about your situation, almost separate from it emotionally most of the time. I can imagine myself aspiring to be that way, but can’t imagine accomplishing it. I know I would have to let some negative stuff out somewhere. So, if you ever need to slam dunk somebody or complain or whatever, but don’t want to do it publicly, call me. I will understand.
And ooooooooohhhhhh, those crunchy things are rice krispies! I like them, especially now that I know what the dealie is.
I’m giggling at your comment about the peanutbutter balls, thanks. I slipped those into your package as a surprise. What’s your vote? Too bad the other readers didn’t have the chance to taste them. MMMMMMM.
I want to comment on your observation of my outlook. I asked B to help me with this. If you will, my range of irritation goes from I’d say, thin skinned to judgmental. Working in the field that I do, I would feel like a hypocrit if I didn’t practice some of what I attempt to help others accomplish. I’ve learned so much from the struggles of others and by observing how tied up in knots people get over their own way of thinking about things. I think the thin skin reaction is something that happens more at home than out. I tend to go away and lick my perceived wounds and come out either feeling better or needing to talk about what happened.
The judgments tend to occur when I have an expectation of someone, say at work, to act professionally all the time or to understand how their behavior might affect someone and to THINK before saying or doing things. I do get irritated at this. When it gets stuck in my craw, USUALLY I’ll find a supervisor to help dislodge the irritation. Every so often I have to talk about an interaction like that with B and he is really good at letting me know if I’m boring him, as that means I’m rehashing something I’ve already said.
I really don’t like carrying extra or negative baggage around. I don’t mean to come across as being the woman who doesn’t have emotional reactions to things. I certainly do. But the more I can pull myself out of a situation before reacting, the better we all are. I think B would have to comment here to truly hear whether I actually accomplish this most of the time or not. I do know that we want this blog to be useful to others at some point, and by being ‘reporters’ of a sort, we may be able to impart some tidbits that may help with navigation on a trail like this. B was just saying that part of being a reporter is acknowledging and sharing the emotion, but not wallowing in it. I think that’s right on the money.
Now let me tell you about that ASSHOLE I was driving behind the other day…
Re the emotion management, I get it.
Re the PB balls, I am limiting myself to 3 of each per day. Please don’t make me choose a favorite.