B: Tiresome. That is what cancer has become. Not tiresome in an angry or frustrated way.  Not tired in an exhausted sense, but in a tedious way. At the outset the newness, the fear, the urgency, pushed treatment along. It was hard to keep our eye on the ball, because we were jostled and bounced around. Now it is hard, for me at least, to keep my eye on the ball, because I’m dozing off.  Literally.  P, is starting to show cumulative effects of the chemo.  But how many times can we write about her going to bed early? Or working from home to preserve her energy? What does it mean to say that cancer treatment has become boring? It still takes up a big space in the room. We still care a lot about the outcome, and daily, even hourly, we check in with P.  But treatment and living with treatment is tiresome . A while back, I mentioned a metaphor of hiking switchbacks and I think that was really apt.

For me there is a nervousness that goes along with boredom and feeling dozy. I snap awake with a jolt of adrenaline, starting and flailing about a bit as I try to re-orient. We aren’t out of the woods yet and so I don’t want to relax too soon.

P: Marathon, switchback…you pick.  Endurance.

Just as I started getting back in the swing, hair growing, going to work, more active, I must slow the pace.  Hair has slowed, and some has fallen out.  I need more naps.  OK.  We can do this.

Yea, I’m tired.  No entries all week.  After 8 weeks of infusions, we are noticing more the cumulative effects of treatment.  On Thursday after dinner I just put on my comfy clothes and crashed.  From my vantage point I slept very soundly.  B said I was a bit restless.  So much of life feels normal to me.  I ‘m up and going to work every day.  I’m cooking sometimes.  I’m skiing on the weekends, doing chores during the week. Going to book club and staying out “late” with my pals. I’m actually reading and finishing books.  The part that does not feel normal is the fact that it feels too good to close my eyes at any time of day.

I am grateful beyond belief that I can work at my own pace and from home.  I’ll catch up on what I slept through this afternoon, tomorrow or on the weekends.

I can muster up energy most of the time.  For example, I could go skiing again today.  BUT I’m deciding to stay put and conserve.  I just know that it would take a lot out of me trying to stay warm with sub zero wind chill.  My friend L who has much experience with breast cancer treatments has talked to me over and over about the conservation of energy.  It’s  really the long haul thing.  I could fool myself into thinking that an activity would be fine, but it all seems to add up.  I find myself wanting to be active and yet aware that we still have 4 weeks of infusions left, and my body is not recovering to normal before the next invasion hits.  B came home Thursday and said “We had ‘fun with weights’ today…my favorite workout!”  He was all sweetness and light, it was so cool.   I wanted to hear every detail…from the recliner.   I’m finding that the day I tire most is on Thursday at this point.  It seems that the effects last longer and longer after each infusion.  This is something we saw back in the fall with AC, but it felt more dramatic with that powerful cocktail.

As far as other stuff my gut just doesn’t feel right.  I don’t really know how to describe it.  I don’t feel nauseous, thank heavens.  I do have an appetite sometimes.  It’s like my digestive system is tired and working really slow.  I’ve been taking Rhubarb 17 and Diagnostic Tablets (both herbs) which help sometimes, but definitely not completely. 

Fatigue, gut awareness and pressure in my sinuses behind my eyes are the biggies right now.  My skin seems to be in good shape, probably because I’m just taking care of it better than I ever have.  (Thanks to the sweeeeeet care package from my niece D, full of good things for the bod.)  Flesh wounds take a little longer to heal.  On the other hand I have been humming and singing a lot.  I feel happy and silly a lot of the time.   We have been laughing a lot together.   I’ve been so in the moment it has been wonderful for my spirit. 

Love continues to pour in, cards, calls, prayers.  Thank you for sticking with us, readers.  It really helps.  I don’t know if you know just how much.