Axillary node disections take the fat with the nodes. You know, deodorant doesn’t usually feel very cold, but when there is little to no fat left in the old pit, it can really wake a person up.   I’m not exactly sure what I can do about that except SUCK IT UP ,  design a heated deodorant dispenser or stop using deodorant…hmmmmmm.  I wonder.

What beautiful days we’ve had recently.  I am feeling awake, fairly energized, my tightness is loosening slowly.  Acupuncture was pretty amazing yesterday and the provider was surprised at my energy.  My monthly chiropractor appointment for well care was great.  He said something about not believing how balanced I was in the skeleton/muscle part of things.  He said he was amazed that I was smiling and it got me thinking. (I know, scary, eh?)  Some people are so surprised that I’m doing normal stuff and feeling normal some times.

Breast cancer is not necessarily the worst thing that has happened in my life.   The period of time a person is in treatment is not always bad.  I mean there is nothing about diagnosis and treatment that feels OK.  HOWEVER, there are definite periods of time that I am not preoccupied, sick, scared, mad, depressed.  In fact MOST of the time I’m not any of those.  I think around cycle 3 one could see the wear and tear.  At that time there was more of those  difficult and very observable symptoms than not. However, now being on DAY 46 (wow) I am caught looking tired or maybe thin skinned at rare times, but overall my whole self is doing pretty well.  Ok, ok, more G.O. blither blather going on, but you know, life goes on.  THANK GOODNESS.

I’ve been going to work some days, working from home some days, taking the kids wherever, going to dinner, entertaining friends.  I’m parading around with my real body and am noticing only sometimes that I feel a twinge of self consciousness.  I notice sometimes that people who know what I’ve been through have to take a glance.  Some come right out and say it “let me have a look at you” (meaning, in my clothes, not the exhibitionistic stuff I mentioned previously).  These, of course, are close friends.  I’m totally cool with that.  I mean I want some people to be right up front with me.   Others don’t even mention it, which is cool too.  Everyone has to find their own level of comfort with my physical changes…once they get beyond that I’m still me.

This morning E and I went to the transfer station (AKA: DUMP) in town to bale newspapers for the Boy Scouts.  It’s one of their regular fund raising tasks every other week.  With 4 others we put the flattened papers into the baler and after it was all baled, it weighed in at 1635 pounds…the record there is something like 1650.  The boys were happy about that.  It was great to get out and move.  I noticed that when I bumped up against stuff I didn’t really feel it on my left side because it’s all numb.  Kinda a weird sensation.  I don’t feel as much afraid of contact any more as I feel like I have to be aware of contact because I can’t really gauge myself.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that it is not self correcting like bumping up against something on my right side.  Just an interesting observation for me.

So Monday starts the twelve 7 day cycles.  Cycle 1 Day 1.  It helps me to see it that way so I know I’m moving through this.  As I think about it, these shorter cycles  feel more like the sprints B was talking about.  I feel like we’re galloping toward the finish line.  My friend told me that when she was going through chemo her partner brought roses to her at each infusion.  The number of roses each time corresponded with how many more infusions she was to have, so as she moved through she’d get fewer roses each time.  I thought that was really cool.

My lovely friend who is organizing the food has been telling me that many of our meals on wheels chefs are all chomping at the bit to get the food rolling in again.  We’ve been saying that we’re doing ok, and let’s see what happens…and she says something like “I’m going to have to release the beast soon…”  The beast, of course, is the momentum this port of love has gained.  Endurance among all the angels continues.