The farther away we are from the last infusion, the better I feel, the closer we are to the next one, CRAP.  The last one, YIPPEE.  I awoke the other day and said to B  “hey, more than half way there” and quickly realized how focused I am on this phase of treatment.  Keeping our eye on the prize and focusing on what I and we need to do to get through today is tricky some times. 

This cycle is different from the last, which was different from the previous.  I’m not sure what my body is feeling much of the time.  I know when I need to lay down.  I don’t know if I’m nauseous or hungry or neither or both.  I know that I cannot put two thoughts together sometimes, and thankfully, B and the katz understand this and do not expect anything of the sort.  I know A understands.  I felt it in her warm grasp during our entire walk today.  I know that E understands because he rode his bike past the window several times doing goofy stunts just for me and I was gratefully trapped in the moment of joy with him.

For someone who takes joy in putzing, I have to admit that I cannot putz to my hearts content now.  I putz in spurtz, and although it is sort of satisfying, it sure ain’t the Full Monte.  Being aware of what my body needs, and being ok with it is my primary job right now.  It is what it is.

Today it feels like chemo is wearing down some edges that will take time to sharpen.  In time.